Make these goddamn cookies

This is not a request. You'll understand later. (These cookies are half the reason anyone tolerates me in their vicinity.)

These are the best goddamn chocolate chip cookies ever made, arrived at through two parts miracles and one part science. If I was running a recipe blog, this is the part where I would tell you my life story.

the cookies in question

Here is the recipe.

SHIT YOU WILL NEED

Ingredients

  • 2 cups flour[1]
  • 1/2 tsp salt[2]
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda[3]
  • 12 tbsp butter (3/4 cup, typically 1.5 sticks)[4]
  • 1 cup packed brown sugar[5]
  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1 egg + 1 egg yolk,[6] normal size
  • 3 tbsp vanilla[7]
  • A fuckton of chocolate chips

Equipment

  • One large bowl
  • One medium bowl
  • Something to melt the butter in[8]
  • Electric mixer or suitably muscular roommate[9]

THE RECIPE I GUESS

  1. Preheat oven to 325 F.[10]
  2. Mix flour, baking soda and salt in large bowl, set aside.
  3. Dump sugars in medium bowl.
  4. Melt butter and dump into sugar bowl. Mix until barely combined.
  5. Dump whole egg, egg yolk and vanilla into sugar bowl, mix until texture is consistent.
  6. Mix contents of medium bowl into contents of large bowl.[11]
  7. Dump chocolate chips into the dough until it can't hold any more.[12]
  8. Generously butter your cookie sheet.[13]
  9. Form dough into 3/4-inch[14] balls and place on cookie sheet.[15]
  10. Bake for 16 minutes, rotating the cookie sheet halfway through.
  11. Let cool before eating.[16]

STORAGE

An airtight container[17] with a slice of bread will keep these good for a while. If you don't have bread, a very slightly damp paper towel will do, just don't let it touch the cookies. Store these without a source of moisture or exposed to air and they become rocks in 3 days.

SUBSTITUTIONS

Rice flour is not a drop-in substitution. Egg substitutes are not drop-in substitutions. Baking powder is not baking soda. If you use margarine I will come to your house and shoot you.

my chocolate lab losing his fucking mind over these cookies


  1. Don't bother leveling these off with the back of a knife or anything—just make sure they're not egregiously stacked. This recipe assumes gorilla measurement techniques. ↩︎

  2. You don't actually need to measure this, overshooting won't kill you. ↩︎

  3. You definitely need to measure this. ↩︎

  4. Yen: "this is the most american thing I have ever seen" ↩︎

  5. Golden brown preferred. If you're using dark brown sugar, consider substituting milk chocolate chips, it makes for more of a bakery-style "solid block of confection" feel. ↩︎

  6. This is the important part. If you don't know how to separate an egg yolk, it's time to discover search engines. ↩︎

  7. Eyeball it. This one comes down to preference, my personal recommendation is to add vanilla until it smells like you might have gone a little too far. ↩︎

  8. Throw that shit in a mug ↩︎

  9. Getting all the flour incorporated is a pain in the ass, get ready for mass bowl-scraping ↩︎

  10. Metric users can get fucked, I'm too lazy to convert this.[18] ↩︎

  11. If your large bowl is not actually that large, fold in half the sugar-butter mixture, mix, then do the other half. Less mess. ↩︎

  12. If there are chips on the bottom of the bowl even after thorough mixing, you did it right. ↩︎

  13. I mean it, just fucking rub a stick of butter on it. The half-stick you might have left over works nicely. This is already awful for you, don't chicken out and use cooking spray or some shit. Trust me. ↩︎

  14. or whatever you feel like, maaaaaaaan. One of these days I'm going to try and bake the fucking bowl of dough in one shot ↩︎

  15. Give these space, they expand more than you think—fused cookies are kinda cool, though ↩︎

  16. This is the hard part. ↩︎

  17. Read: ziploc bag ↩︎

  18. But not lazy enough to stop writing cheeky footnotes. ↩︎